“Who is your real mom?” As an adoptee, I started getting this question at an early age because most people don’t think that I look much like my adoptive parents when they see us together.
The first time I remember getting this question was in kindergarten when my Mom (my very real “adoptive mom”) came to my class and volunteered to read an adoption-themed book to the class in honor of National Adoption Month, which is November. She read a family favorite: Through Moon and Stars and Night Skies by Ann Turner.
Later, when she was finished reading the book, a classmate named Maria asked me if the person reading the book to the class was “my real mom.”
Since I was a bit puzzled by the question and since my Mom was standing there, she stepped in to help. My Mom gently asked Maria if she looked “real” to her or if she looked “pretend” or “imaginary” in any way. Maria agreed that my Mom looked pretty real to her. My Mom then asked her if she thought that an imaginary Mom could cook your food, drive you to school, teach you to tie your shoes, make you eat your vegetables and pick up your clothes, or hug you goodnight. Maria agreed that an imaginary Mom wouldn’t be able to do any of those things for you. In this way, my Mom nicely showed Maria and the rest of my classmates that she was, indeed my very “real” Mom. She also explained the adoption terminology of “adoptive parents” and “biological parents” to Maria and the rest of the class. To this day it amazes me how many people still refer to my biological parents as my “real” parents. Yes, they are “real” people too, as are my adoptive parents!
From a legal perspective, adopted children in the United States enjoy the same status as biological children in the definition of family under all state laws and for all state and federal governmental purposes. Social and normative definitions, however, are slower to catch up, as Maria’s question, and the many like it that I have gotten since, attest.
Here is a link to a cite called "Positive Adoption Terminology" for those who are interested in avoiding potentially awkward questions like Maria's.
Terrific post, thanks!
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