Assignment 4: Awkward! Violating Everyday Norms with Close Friends and Strangers

What happens when you break everyday unspoken norms, those unnoticed and unquestioned little rules that underpin everything we do?  How do people react when you don’t do what is expected in routine everyday social interactions?  How does it feel to violate these little mostly invisible rules?   Is it any different when the infraction is with someone you know well or with total strangers?  To find out, I violated two everyday norms and watched people’s reactions.

Can I Have a Hug?

On a normal day when I come home from class, I make sure to give my boyfriend a hug when I walk through the door.  I always do this, but one day last week, I decided to try something different.  When I walked through our door, I gave my normal hello, but instead of giving him a hug, I asked him, “Can I have a hug?”  The unwritten norm I was trying to break was that you don’t repeatedly ask a close friend or family member for a hug and then back away, unless you are playing a joke.  When he started walking toward me to hug me, I took a step back, and repeated the question.  I repeated this action for several minutes to see what he would do.  I stepped back or from side to side to dodge his efforts to hug me.  It was hard not to laugh, but I kept a straight face.  If I laughed or smiled, he would just think I was joking around.  I did my best to act as if my actions were completely normal. 

My boyfriend’s reactions to my strange behavior began with a confused look.  At first, he kept trying to give me a hug but stopped whenever I stepped back or to the side.  He looked puzzled and confused, but seemed to be trying to figure out and do whatever it was that I wanted.  As the experiment continued, his next reaction was concern, as he started asking questions like “Are you okay?” I did not answer these questions and instead continued to ask him if I could have a hug.  After a bit, his reaction turned to annoyance.  He asked, “Are you crazy?” and “What are you on?”   He stopped trying to hug me and asked, “What the hell are you doing?  Have you lost your mind?”  I knew then that it was time to debrief him.  He was relieved to learn that I was okay, that we were okay, and that I was just doing a crazy experiment for my Sociology class.  He was also a bit peeved that I had chosen to torture him for this assignment.  He said that he truly didn’t have any idea why I was acting like that, and he was genuinely worried that I had gone crazy.  Interestingly, he never told me to just knock it off, although he said he just wanted me to stop acting so strangely.  He said he did not think I was joking with him because I looked so serious. 

While I was engaging in this strange behavior with my boyfriend, I felt uneasy because I could see that it was bothering him to see me acting outside of the norm.  I felt bad putting him through this, and I also felt a bit mean.  I didn’t like making him feel bad.  I would never act like that, even as a joke, aside from doing this experiment.  Besides, all the time I was doing this, I really wanted a hug because they feel so good.

When I was finished explaining what I was doing and asking him what he thought and felt while I was in my non-hugging mode, we hugged.  Then he said, “Can I have a hug?” and stepped back when I moved forward to hug him.  I guess I deserved the pay-back.

Dancing at the Dairy Queen

To see what it would be like to breach an everyday norm with strangers, I did my next experiment on a beautiful sunny day at Dairy Queen on Snelling Avenue in St. Paul.  After I purchased a Diet Coke at the window, I returned to my car and set it down on the hood.  I then proceeded to do a lively dance inspired by Zumba moves all around my car.  I made it a point to smile and look happy.   I had considered doing this experiment with a friend, but decided that people might not find it all that unusual to see college age people acting silly together in a Dairy Queen parking lot on a nice day near a college campus.  I kept my solo dancing up for several minutes to see what the people around me would do.  The unwritten everyday norm I was violating was that you don’t dance around your car by yourself in a parking lot because that is not expected parking lot behavior.

My unconventional parking lot behavior produced three different reactions in three different strangers.  The first reaction was from a woman who was pulling up to park on the street beside the parking lot.  When she saw me dancing, she pulled further up the street and parked behind some tall bushes so she could not see me any longer.  That allowed her to get to the Dairy Queen window to get her ice cream and return to her car without walking by me or having to see what I was doing.  The second reaction I got was more troubling.  I am afraid my dancing may have cost Dairy Queen a customer when a man pulled his truck into the parking lot and got out, but quickly got back in and drove away when he saw me doing my little dance.  My third encounter was with a woman walking by on the street.  She stopped and told me that my happy dance had made her day.  She had a really big smile on her face.

I didn’t get to debrief any of these people.  The two who completely avoided me seemed just to want to get away from the situation I had created rather than to try to “normalize” it.  The lady who stopped and told me she liked what I was doing surprised me because I was not expecting anyone to think my behavior fit any expected norm.  She walked away before I could regroup and tell her I was doing a sociology experiment, saying she had to run to catch her bus down the street.  This woman seemed to think that dancing happily in a parking lot on a beautiful sunny day was not just okay, but was something people should do.  I did not debrief the Dairy Queen server because my dancing was not where she could have seen it.

I felt awkward and self-conscious behaving in an unconventional way in a public place.  I didn’t like making strangers feel uncomfortable, and I really didn’t like costing Dairy Queen a customer.  Before I left, I bought another Diet Coke at the window, ever though I really didn’t want one. 

Friends and Strangers:  What’s the Difference?

What was the difference between acting outside the norm with my boyfriend and with total strangers?  In both cases, I felt uncomfortable and made others feel uncomfortable too.  In both cases I worried that the people involved would think I was crazy. My boyfriend tried hard to normalize my behavior, however, while two of the strangers at the Dairy Queen chose just to avoid my behavior instead of trying to change it.  But in the cases of my boyfriend and the two strangers at Dairy Queen who avoided me, I think they clearly wanted me to stop doing what I was doing.  On the other hand, the lady who said she liked my dance may have said so to “normalize” what she was seeing.  I did not get the idea that she was trying to get me to stop doing what I was doing. 

Both of the everyday norms I violated serve to bring order to everyday life by reflecting commonly held assumptions about conventional behavior:  in one case, how to act with a boyfriend if you say you want a hug, and in the other, how to conduct yourself in a fast food parking lot.  I found out that violating these two everyday norms produced mildly negative sanctions that will probably discourage me from violating them again.  But,

I must admit that it was rather fun to do a happy little dance outside in the bright autumn sunshine.  Maybe the lady who said I made her day was onto something, and dancing by yourself in the parking lot should become the new norm.  Want to join me?